Author Archives: Shanella

The Year of Tears and Heartbreak

Posted in Thoughts by

I had big plans, I wanted to do things, to go places, learn things … I made a list or two.

Sometimes things don’t always work out the way you imagined them, sometimes life surprises you and the only thing you can do is deal with it. Roll with the punches. Make lemonade.

In 2012, I wore sorrow like a cloak.

The year started on a low note as sickness festered close to home. Next came the incident* and with that it seemed the tone was set for the year; 2012 will become the year of tears and heartbreak.

I shared in the sorrow of a broken heart, feeling useless and ill-equipped, with only phrases like “it will get better” to offer as comfort. If I could have taken my friend’s pain away with the right words, I would have. Sometimes words are inadequate, but sometimes they are all I have to offer.

Next, Death visited our family, leaving a feeling of vulnerability. We are getting older. We will not live forever. I thought of my parents, they will not live forever. And as though it wanted to make sure we knew it meant business, I will never forget the thirty minutes I spent, driving home, uncontrollable tears streaming down my cheeks. Thirty minutes where I begged God for healing, chanting “please, please, please…” until I couldn’t anyone.

That night was the darkest night of the year, surrounded by family but feeling alone. Alone. Another lemon, another punch in the gut.

Just when things were getting back to normal, just when I thought that life was settling into its usual schedule, Sandy came. Sandy was not like Irene. Irene rattled our windows a bit, but Sandy crippled us and many are still rebuilding. While my home might be OK, others are not. The house that we came to call “Grandma’s house” (though grandma isn’t the only one that lives there) was flooded and repairs are ongoing. Will this bad year ever end? I can’t possible drink all this lemonade**.

This year sucked. It was the suckiest year in the history of my 30 years on earth, and I’ve had some sucky years. 2012 made me feel sad, insignificant and alone. It made me feel helpless to the point where I just wanted to stay in my room and flick through Tumblr, or browse the interwebs – anything to distract myself, really. But through it all I also feel ridiculously blessed and that’s all because of my family and friends.

The faith that I saw in the actions and words of family members going through tough times, the concern and love shown by friends who took the time to find out if everything was OK, who reached out with words of encouragement and prayers, who brought cupcakes … these will stick with me. These pull me away from the distractions. These stand out like beacons of light. These pockets of happiness were my strength.

2012 is drawing to an end. This is the last day. It’s almost over. Soon I’ll be able to say, “I made it!! I survived 2012!”. I have a lot of lemons, they are in this bucket and I have a makeshift lemon-catapult. I’m ready, 2013; I’ve had enough of your lemons, life, I’m ready to chuck it back.

—*—

* The incident isn’t a secret, but for reasons I cannot say, I cannot discuss it online. oOOoOOh vague statement is vague.

** There were so many other bad things that happened, but I don’t want this post to be a downer. However, I just wanted to state that everything that I went through this year affected my life in some way and I’m still thinking and praying about them (and for the others also affected). 

After Sandy

Posted in The Observer, Thoughts by

I went to bed last Monday to the sound of the wind outside. Trees were bending in all directions, some almost bowed over, touching the ground with their branches. There were things banging against the side of the house and roof. The house was swaying and there were odd flashes of orange and white in the sky, but no sound of thunder.

That night, I dreamt of destruction.

On Tuesday morning, the destruction was revealed. Thankfully, we only lost a piece of siding and electricity, but the news of devastation was slowing trickling in over the cranked up radio, Long Beach was under water. No gas. No Electricity to thousands of people. Entire houses floated away with the tide. Trees cut houses in half. Cars moved like matchboxes down the street.

In the aftermath of Sandy, the death toll rose, people were left without homes, fuels, water, electricity and gas. The city that never sleeps was half blinded by darkness, forced to stop everything and recover. Manhattan was crippled.

Some are still without those things.

It’s a bit unreal what is going on. Last week involved a lot of cleanup. I spent the entire day on Tuesday getting food to family who were without food and electricity, helping to clean up the mess that the flood left behind. Sometimes I can still smell the stench of the salt water from the bay that covered three feet of their first floor.

My house regained electricity late Wednesday night. The thing though – about having electricity and not a lot of damage and only having to only worry now about a gas tank and transportation to work – I can see how easy it is to forget the hurt that some are still experiencing. Crisis reveals character, and I hope that in this crisis you saw who you want to be revealed in the things you did and said.

A lot of help is still needed, things are still not back to normal for  a lot of people. Work still needs to be done. I’m deeply touched by the stories of heroism that came out of the storm, but I’m also sad at the slim-balls that crawled out of the gutters; the people who preyed on those in trouble.

There are people who still need help, there are many ways to give of your time and money to help those in need if you can, you should definitely look into it.

The photo below is from the morning after Sandy, after the floods came and receded. I look at this photo and I see hope. We are alive, we are well, there is hope.

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth… I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.

Weathering the Storm

Posted in The Observer, Thoughts by

Was it just a year ago that the threat of Irene caused thousands of New Yorkers to rush to supermarkets and fill up tubs? As Sandy makes her debut I look back in wonder that a year has past by and that we find ourselves in the same situation, buying canned goods, filling up the tub with water, charging up the electronic devices…

I hope that, like Irene, Sandy will just pass us by, but there is always that small anxiety that this one might be worse than the last, that the lessons gained from the past experience will not be applicable to this current one and that all our preparations were in vain. Sometimes it’s not destruction, but the expectation of destruction that causes anxiety. Does that mean that I shouldn’t prepare? That I should just give up? These are just things I wonder.

I think preparing for things ahead is important, but I think knowing that, even with preparation, things might not turn out great is also important. In any case, be safe, smart and find a good book to read. It’s time to weather the storm.

Potted Potter: 7 Books in 70 Minutes

Posted in Bookish, Broadway, Cultured, My New York by

Take two guys, seven books, seventy minutes and an assorted array of props and you have Potted Potter! This is a show that Harry Potter fans will truly enjoy.

Dan and Jeff take the audience on a hilarious ride from Platform 9 3/4 to Hogwarts as they fearlessly battle dragons, Slytherins and You-Know-Who. There’s a bit of crowd participation with a rousing game of Quidditch and tons of opportunities for laughter. There was hardly a time that I wasn’t laughing!

The one and only issue I had with this show was the closing number – there were times when I couldn’t understand what they were singing, I’m not sure if this had to do with the audio in the theater or the fact that they were singing really quickly and I just couldn’t make out the words, either way, it would have been great to hear all the words of the song! Since this was the very end it felt a bit anti-climactic, which was sad because I thought the rest of the show was hilarious!

Overall, it was a fun experience. I don’t think they are playing in New York anymore, but if you do get the opportunity to see the show in another state/place, it’s definitely a show to watch.

We Were Infinite*

Posted in Bookish, Thoughts by

A beach. A long stretch of sand bordered by a layer of large rocks. The sound of the waves gently touching the shore. The smell of salt. The feel of sand between my toes.

The air. The tension in the air is thick. A storm rages outside the metal box where 150 strangers sit. Lightening flashes between the stormy clouds, and the audible sound of breaths being held can be heard. Finally, we fly out of the storm; safe.

Water and colour. A first former approaches and asks, “Can I put powder on you?”. We race around the school yard, avoiding water and powder, but not nearly as concerned as we pretend to be. Then the after, we laugh together.

Whether it was a lazy moment, a funny moment, or the calm moment after an intense experience, there are times in life when we are so present in that moment, so aware of what is happening, not just seeing it unfold but being an active participant in its unfurling. In those moments, we were infinite.

* This post is inspired by The Perks of Being a Wall Flower. Not only is it a great book and (now) awesome movie, but it’s a wonderful story of the difficult life that we face, and the pockets of joy we experience. Each paragraph is a memory.

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