The Year of Tears and Heartbreak

I had big plans, I wanted to do things, to go places, learn things … I made a list or two.

Sometimes things don’t always work out the way you imagined them, sometimes life surprises you and the only thing you can do is deal with it. Roll with the punches. Make lemonade.

In 2012, I wore sorrow like a cloak.

The year started on a low note as sickness festered close to home. Next came the incident* and with that it seemed the tone was set for the year; 2012 will become the year of tears and heartbreak.

I shared in the sorrow of a broken heart, feeling useless and ill-equipped, with only phrases like “it will get better” to offer as comfort. If I could have taken my friend’s pain away with the right words, I would have. Sometimes words are inadequate, but sometimes they are all I have to offer.

Next, Death visited our family, leaving a feeling of vulnerability. We are getting older. We will not live forever. I thought of my parents, they will not live forever. And as though it wanted to make sure we knew it meant business, I will never forget the thirty minutes I spent, driving home, uncontrollable tears streaming down my cheeks. Thirty minutes where I begged God for healing, chanting “please, please, please…” until I couldn’t anyone.

That night was the darkest night of the year, surrounded by family but feeling alone. Alone. Another lemon, another punch in the gut.

Just when things were getting back to normal, just when I thought that life was settling into its usual schedule, Sandy came. Sandy was not like Irene. Irene rattled our windows a bit, but Sandy crippled us and many are still rebuilding. While my home might be OK, others are not. The house that we came to call “Grandma’s house” (though grandma isn’t the only one that lives there) was flooded and repairs are ongoing. Will this bad year ever end? I can’t possible drink all this lemonade**.

This year sucked. It was the suckiest year in the history of my 30 years on earth, and I’ve had some sucky years. 2012 made me feel sad, insignificant and alone. It made me feel helpless to the point where I just wanted to stay in my room and flick through Tumblr, or browse the interwebs – anything to distract myself, really. But through it all I also feel ridiculously blessed and that’s all because of my family and friends.

The faith that I saw in the actions and words of family members going through tough times, the concern and love shown by friends who took the time to find out if everything was OK, who reached out with words of encouragement and prayers, who brought cupcakes … these will stick with me. These pull me away from the distractions. These stand out like beacons of light. These pockets of happiness were my strength.

2012 is drawing to an end. This is the last day. It’s almost over. Soon I’ll be able to say, “I made it!! I survived 2012!”. I have a lot of lemons, they are in this bucket and I have a makeshift lemon-catapult. I’m ready, 2013; I’ve had enough of your lemons, life, I’m ready to chuck it back.

—*—

* The incident isn’t a secret, but for reasons I cannot say, I cannot discuss it online. oOOoOOh vague statement is vague.

** There were so many other bad things that happened, but I don’t want this post to be a downer. However, I just wanted to state that everything that I went through this year affected my life in some way and I’m still thinking and praying about them (and for the others also affected). 

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